grandma shit on top of the toilet
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
