pedialite and red bull = repair kit
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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