in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
