you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
