fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
