Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Come on in and take your pants off
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