Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
