I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
