it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
