I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My feet surprised me
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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