remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
