I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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