if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
