Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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