True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
