Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
