god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
