She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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