If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
