Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It was confusing and full of hummus
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
