Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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