just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
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I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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