I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
