did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
