halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Randomize
