We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
