I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's never too late to be topless.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
