You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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