we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
