he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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