I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My vagina is officially offended.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
