When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Text me some of your sweat
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