I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
