The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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