He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have fence marks all over my body
Ladies don't puke and tell
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
