I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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