Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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