What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
