Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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