omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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