I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
NoShamevember. You game?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
