Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
