I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
this boner is exhausting
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
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That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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