YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
