Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I see more hoeing in ur future
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
