just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
