I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
