At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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