I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
