Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
