my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
