Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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