He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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