apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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