I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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