theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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