i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
