she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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