I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
