If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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